crashingwave, thank you for your response. I didn’t realize how uplifting it would be to have someone comment that’s going through the same thing. I love the fact that my story is giving you hope and I wish you better days as well.
The last couple days have actually been above average. A couple nights ago I was able to take my friend out for a nice dinner and tell him to his face how much I appreciate everything he has done for me. I don’t think I actually have said it in person before, and I’m really happy that I was able to do that. I said something to him that I want to share with you all…
I have always been a science person. I believe in things that are concrete and without interpretation. I like facts that are undisputable. The idea of mental illness was so vague in my mind and I never understood the importance of it. I grew up in a super small and closed off town and you never heard of it. It was never a topic of conversation…ever. At dinner the other night I said thank you for specifically introducing me to this topic and helping me realize how important it is to have someone to talk to. Even if it’s on this forum, being able to just talk it out is extremely helpful.
During the dinner I accepted the fact that I am not being a burden to him. This is the first time I believed he was not being annoyed by me and that he truly doesn’t mind everything I have asked of him. I think that’s important to my recovery. The stress of feeling like a nuisance was actually adding to my overall anxiety. SO I am really happy that we were able to share our feelings and have a good open conversation. Mainly, I am happy we were able to just laugh and talk.
With all the good that has happened recently, I have had a little bit of a set back this week. With everything that has been going on with my parents and the death of a high school friend I found myself having a couple really bad nights. One night, I wasn’t able to sleep at all. I ended up uncontrollably screaming and I really hated my life. I spent the night between my car (so no one could hear me) and laying on my hammock. I felt lost and alone. I hated my life and where it was taking me. The following night (when I was with my friend) I thought it was going to be better. I was able to fall asleep fast but unfortunately I woke myself up in full tears. I couldn’t even tell you what was going through my head. I was angry at everything in my life. Again, having someone wrap their arms around me made me feel so secure, safe, and loved.
Last night was better than the nights before. However, I did wake up crying again. This time though it was shorter and not has “forceful”. Even though I was alone, I was able to organize my thoughts. It was a lot harder doing it alone but I was able to get through it.
There are a few triggers that I have recognized in myself. If these happen I can go from happy to a serious low in a matter of seconds. My parents are able to do it when they say something that I find ignorant or selfish. When I’m not included in something my friends are doing I feel vulnerable and alone. When I feel that I am being lied to (usually I’m not, but for some reason I feel like it). When I get frustrated with something that I don’t understand. Lastly, when I don’t get a good sleep and I am exhausted. When I’m exhausted I get irritable quickly and I just want to yell at everyone for everything.